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Let me tell you about one of the films that go through my head during the witching hours. The films are a combination of thoughts, questions and images. This made me mad at myself that she felt she needed to apologize. I snapped out of my stupor briefly to tell her that I absolutely adored her at all times.
It has been 119 days since I had a conversation with her. I had helped her shower on a stool and she had to crawl out of the shower and lay on the floor because of how badly she felt. When I put her to bed I sat on the stool on the side and held her hand. I will regret forever telling her to try to let us sleep. She was in ICU, they now finally knew what was wrong and the best doctors would take care of her. When my friend and I got there, within in a handful of minutes, I watched her die.
That was the time that we picked them up from daycare after work.
That was the time school and activities ended for the day and all the birds were back in the nest for dinner.
I would always hear from her around before she went to dinner.
As many of you have gathered Hayley and I were close. Sometimes she would face time me from dinner or another activity so I could also say hi to her roommate or other friends. I briefly think if I don’t respond quickly she will give me a hard time. She had become an independent and wonderful student.
We would say, glad you are home, good night and love you more.
Sometimes I would poke her and say things like, nice try, maybe next time or did you forget your sleeping bag. She went out, she socialized but she was very picky about it. Her second favorite place was her bed in her room with her dvr.
My grief counselor helped me talk through why this time might be worse than others.
Ironically my witching hours start at the same time as baby Hayley.
When rolls around I find myself starting to feel even more exhausted, emotional, tears come easily and the pain starts to ratchet up.
Most recently Hayley would generally be coming home from work around that time.
I would be waiting for her in the front room and we would each take a red leather chair before she went to change her clothes.